So, to truly make amends, we have to offer more than words. One of the most common reasons people want to make living amends is to correct past wrongs. Living amends bridges the gap between living in shame and regret and finding forgiveness. Living amends refers to making promises to the people in your life whom you’ve wronged or who have hurt you. These promises focus on rebuilding your relationship with a loved one and moving forward from the pain of the past.

When and Why Do People Make Living Amends?

When those we’ve hurt are not able or willing to accept our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others or making living amends. For example, we might intend to go to a friend’s birthday party, but in actuality, we fail to show up for the event. While we might apologize later for missing the party, our apology consists of words rather than actions or changed behavior. And those words ring hollow when we repeatedly break our promises.

Apologies vs. Amends

• Avoid initiating a conversation if the other person is distracted or upset by something unrelated.
• Practice accepting other’s responses to your efforts and remember that you have done all you can.
• If making an amends means exposing ourselves to triggering environments, we ought to reconsider and discuss healthy alternatives with a sponsor or addiction counselor.
• While he will have to work to earn back the portion of your respect he’s lost, remember that the amends he needs to make to his soon-to-be ex-wife are between them.
• It takes a certain maturity and level of respect for yourself and the person you’re hoping to reconnect with to get past any past issues.

We come to understand that we are good people with a bad disease. Steps 8 and 9 help us to move out of the shame we have lived in, shame that feeds the cycle of substance use and addiction. We strengthen and reinforce healthy recovery whenever living amends we do our part to repair relationships or reach out to others with support and understanding. People get tired of broken promises, of forgiving over and over and giving second and third, fourth, or fifth chances only to get hurt again.

Life underground

They can make a living amend to change their lifestyle, get sober, and stop stealing from their parent. It’s really hard to apologize to those you’ve hurt — it takes courage and humility and requires a deep, intense look at yourself. Thankfully, there are tips you can take to help make your living amends permanent and lasting. There may be situations where the damage caused by your active addiction is irreparable and making amends is not possible. In these circumstances, you can make an indirect amend to rectify the wrong in the best way possible. Giving back to the community and helping others is a common way to make an indirect amend when you are in recovery.

Changes in personal behaviors

Early in my recovery, I learned neither my son nor my husband was listening to anything I said. Addiction takes over your life, stealing both your joy and your time, and making it impossible for you to give back to others and live a generous life. Instead, as you pursue a life in recovery, focus on being generous with your time and giving back to others. In this way, you can take the focus off of yourself and choose to live a life of greater meaning.

Before you start working step nine, you must have already completed step eight. Step eight says “Made a list of all the people we have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.” You cannot work the 9th step effectively without doing step eight first. To work the 12 steps effectively, specifically step nine, you should have a sponsor or someone that has already worked the steps to help you and more importantly be there to support you. Do not try to attempt to work step nine without a sponsor, therapist, or spiritual advisor. Your sponsor can help walk you through this by asking you about your goals in making amends, how you plan to do it, and when.

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